Losing my religion

I've become purposely less apologetic as time has gone on.  Why should I have to apologize for being human?

Hinduism has this to some extent, but not nearly as much as Christianity, a faith that pervades the world and a faith that I have been exposed to far too often; a faith I disagree with.  By the same extension, I disagree with most religions; however, monotheism is the most damning in my view.  It claims one God only is supreme and if you do not follow the ways they dictate you will never achieve the heaven or higher state of being, whatever your faith determines it to be.

With Islam and Christianity: too many have conquered, converted under threat of life, raped, and killed to glorify God's name.  These are the two faiths that proselytize.  And I have yet to see them atone for their crimes.

With Judaism: you're not the only persecuted people, so don't think you're so fucking special because you were so persecuted.  Africans were persecuted.  Native Americans were persecuted.  Asians were persecuted.

Buddhism and Hinduism are better in the sense they don't proselytize.  Nor do (most of) them think they are entitled.  (I definitely do think I am entitled because I am of the highest strata within the highest caste, but even that I cannot claim in full because of my mom.  I am Brahmin through and through both sides though, and that is a privilege I am entitled to hold.)

Never falling in love

I do not believe in such a thing as falling in love. 

There is love.  There is being in love.  But there can never be falling in love, only falling in infatuation. 

Why?  You may think me unromantic in saying this. 

Falling in love connotes an event in which one falls in a permanent ditch.  A ditch of torrid feelings that are supposed to never stop.  The riding on the cloud of good feelings.  The feeling that you want to spend your days with that person.  The feeling that you have to be with them.  And supposedly, that never ends.  The romance.  The feelings. 

People who get married within that flush of feelings have not fallen in love.  They have fallen in infatuation.  Infatuation and love are not, never were, and never will be the same thing. 
Yes, those feelings have their place.  But you cannot expect them to last forever.  This is why you have the "I don't love you anymore" divorces.  Those people assumed those feelings would last forever, and then the day to day reality set in and they found they could not deal with not being able to get along with the person.  They just "had nothing in common anymore."  They "changed."  Or they just "couldn't deal with being apart, and they had to choose."  Love isn't just a good feeling, and you shouldn't marry when you're just having good feelings and haven't found anything bad about them yet. 
Also, love isn't co-dependency.  It's not just settling for someone.  It's not staying with someone just because you have to have someone in your life.  It's not staying with someone just because you decide this is the best you can do.  And it definitely is not hitting, cheating, or being a thief/abuser.  It is not being insanely jealous when he has lunch with a female coworker, worrying all the time he's going to cheat on you.  And I firmly believe that while addicts and those with severe mental illnesses may be capable of actual love and definitely feeling, they must first be free of the addiction and/or control the mental disorder the most it can be before being with anyone else.  Until then, they cannot expect to be in a functional relationship with anyone.  

Loving someone is, after that first flush of feelings has faded, realizing they have issues and faults, the kind where you wish you could shake them, change them, do something to not drive you crazy.  Loving someone is telling them where they're wrong, while still telling them that will not make you stop loving them.  Loving them is caring for them when you want to snap and get as far away from them as possible.  Love is realizing all of this, all their bad sides, and deciding it does not matter because of their good side.  That is what love is.  And being in love is realizing this and still having the feelings you had at the beginning, however they come and go.  There's never a falling into that.  It's a growth process that takes time.  And it runs both ways. 

Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, brag or boast.  Love never fails. 

So many things I'd say if only I were able

....but I would get in serious trouble.

So I will just say: Fate chose my relatives.  I choose my friends.  And my life and what I want out of it, and what I do to my body.

Muse

I can't sleep and I have to study.  What else is new.  Not much.

I mean, grad school apps will happen over the break.  They have to.

And I'll be just fine with whatever the result is, though I will take a year if I must. But I think I can get in somewhere.

But I see all these people that did get in good places and will be set or close to it for life, and I know I am like them.  The question is, in what capacity?  Where?

Passion, focus, motivation when the going is tough, and smarts are key to getting anywhere. So is learning to deal with your problems. I knew more people that had all of those qualities in high school than I did in college.  Most of my friends who are pre-med, except for the one who got in already, either are not that smart or not focused, even though they do their work.  They get wrapped up in other stuff and end up not doing anything worthwhile, and yes, there are other worthwhile pursuits besides medicine.  Within my immediate family, we have two people who were very smart but not focused and thus didn't go beyond their bachelor's.  One will be fine (he is an engineer and is getting married this May to a fellow engineer.)  One could have become a lot, but she got burned out in college with triple majoring and lost her desire for further studies (she is now a midwife.) Needless to say, her parents aren't happy with her choices, but there's nothing they can do about it now.  One who is close in age to me isn't very focused or motivated on anything, never has been and probably never will be, so I don't see her doing much unless she suddenly becomes interested in something.

So basically, the pressure is on me.  I have to become something---doctor, researcher, something-- not only to make up for their lack of motivation/failures, but for my own interests too.  If not for myself, for them.

Brief

I've been feeling like I'm losing control over a lot.  I feel like if I don't have control over everything, it's that much harder of a philosophy to live with.

The problem is what do I control?  

Objectivity at 3 in the morning.

It shouldn't really be a surprise to me.  

But okay, I'll admit.  I was surprised.  And that was not the thing to find out less than twenty-four hours before an exam that I was already stressed over.  

Everyone has something, or will get something eventually.  And sometimes it makes sense. Like his stuff, as he was in the at-risk group anyway honestly.  Though it is still a little early.  (And if he's telling the truth, he shouldn't be drinking as much as he did...)

With cases like the three girls I know who cannot biologically bear children, those things are not unheard of.  Unfortunate that had to happen though (though honestly one of them......that was a good thing.)  

With mine, I'm an oddball.  I would love to know why I got it.  So, dear doctors and nurses, please don't ask me why I do.  That's your job to figure it out, kthx.  

But seriously, yes, I know that having a chronic illness sucks.  And it has to be embarrassing and such.  My grandfathers both died before I was born from colon issues (one colon cancer and one had colitis and stomach cancer.)  According to my parents, they were really ornery towards the end.

But he doesn't need to be depressed all the time.  He's still got time.  Time to figure himself out and not feel like he's useless.  

I have to do something in 3 of my 4 subjects tomorrow (it seems all my classes are backloaded this time...), grocery shop and get ready to go to Tallahassee this weekend.  And work out how I'm going to make up my hours before I miss them.  That's just life around here.  

The sound of the life of the mind can get quite interesting indeed.  

Brittany and Tessa and I have awesome people day in the works.  

Oh pretty sirens don't go flat, it's not supposed to happen like that

Still studying.  My life is full of pathogenicity and prokaryotic stuff, with some econ and gross videos about eating disorders thrown in.

Postmenstrual syndrome should be official if it isn't already.  Generally felt lazy and bitchy today.  Laundry still not done.

But Of Montreal was good.  I need to upload the videos I took with my phone.  It sucks being the short one at a concert though.  Always jumping or going off to the side to take pictures or videos.

Busy October, but going to do the underwear run and see H2$ at home, so excited about those.  My two cousins seem levelheaded about their wedding preparations, though I can't say the same for their aai's.

Gotta do an econ quiz and keep on studying.  Then drive back home in the deep of night.  ;sldkfnms.

Sing your favorite songs at the top of your lungs and keep moving.  Stay positive.  :)