So many things I'd say if only I were able

....but I would get in serious trouble.

So I will just say: Fate chose my relatives.  I choose my friends.  And my life and what I want out of it, and what I do to my body.

Muse

I can't sleep and I have to study.  What else is new.  Not much.

I mean, grad school apps will happen over the break.  They have to.

And I'll be just fine with whatever the result is, though I will take a year if I must. But I think I can get in somewhere.

But I see all these people that did get in good places and will be set or close to it for life, and I know I am like them.  The question is, in what capacity?  Where?

Passion, focus, motivation when the going is tough, and smarts are key to getting anywhere. So is learning to deal with your problems. I knew more people that had all of those qualities in high school than I did in college.  Most of my friends who are pre-med, except for the one who got in already, either are not that smart or not focused, even though they do their work.  They get wrapped up in other stuff and end up not doing anything worthwhile, and yes, there are other worthwhile pursuits besides medicine.  Within my immediate family, we have two people who were very smart but not focused and thus didn't go beyond their bachelor's.  One will be fine (he is an engineer and is getting married this May to a fellow engineer.)  One could have become a lot, but she got burned out in college with triple majoring and lost her desire for further studies (she is now a midwife.) Needless to say, her parents aren't happy with her choices, but there's nothing they can do about it now.  One who is close in age to me isn't very focused or motivated on anything, never has been and probably never will be, so I don't see her doing much unless she suddenly becomes interested in something.

So basically, the pressure is on me.  I have to become something---doctor, researcher, something-- not only to make up for their lack of motivation/failures, but for my own interests too.  If not for myself, for them.

Brief

I've been feeling like I'm losing control over a lot.  I feel like if I don't have control over everything, it's that much harder of a philosophy to live with.

The problem is what do I control?  

Objectivity at 3 in the morning.

It shouldn't really be a surprise to me.  

But okay, I'll admit.  I was surprised.  And that was not the thing to find out less than twenty-four hours before an exam that I was already stressed over.  

Everyone has something, or will get something eventually.  And sometimes it makes sense. Like his stuff, as he was in the at-risk group anyway honestly.  Though it is still a little early.  (And if he's telling the truth, he shouldn't be drinking as much as he did...)

With cases like the three girls I know who cannot biologically bear children, those things are not unheard of.  Unfortunate that had to happen though (though honestly one of them......that was a good thing.)  

With mine, I'm an oddball.  I would love to know why I got it.  So, dear doctors and nurses, please don't ask me why I do.  That's your job to figure it out, kthx.  

But seriously, yes, I know that having a chronic illness sucks.  And it has to be embarrassing and such.  My grandfathers both died before I was born from colon issues (one colon cancer and one had colitis and stomach cancer.)  According to my parents, they were really ornery towards the end.

But he doesn't need to be depressed all the time.  He's still got time.  Time to figure himself out and not feel like he's useless.  

I have to do something in 3 of my 4 subjects tomorrow (it seems all my classes are backloaded this time...), grocery shop and get ready to go to Tallahassee this weekend.  And work out how I'm going to make up my hours before I miss them.  That's just life around here.  

The sound of the life of the mind can get quite interesting indeed.  

Brittany and Tessa and I have awesome people day in the works.  

Oh pretty sirens don't go flat, it's not supposed to happen like that

Still studying.  My life is full of pathogenicity and prokaryotic stuff, with some econ and gross videos about eating disorders thrown in.

Postmenstrual syndrome should be official if it isn't already.  Generally felt lazy and bitchy today.  Laundry still not done.

But Of Montreal was good.  I need to upload the videos I took with my phone.  It sucks being the short one at a concert though.  Always jumping or going off to the side to take pictures or videos.

Busy October, but going to do the underwear run and see H2$ at home, so excited about those.  My two cousins seem levelheaded about their wedding preparations, though I can't say the same for their aai's.

Gotta do an econ quiz and keep on studying.  Then drive back home in the deep of night.  ;sldkfnms.

Sing your favorite songs at the top of your lungs and keep moving.  Stay positive.  :)

Just because I was surprised I didn't have to teach them this in Chile

I did have to teach the Hail Mary and the Our Father, in English, to the children.  I was basically translating the former on the spot, since I had completely forgotten the translation I did of it back in middle school.

But I was very surprised I didn't have to tell them Psalm 23.  Also surprised that, try as I might, I can't find any of the aforementioned in Hindi, though I know for a fact there are Catholics in India.

So, in case anyone was wondering, here is a rough translation of the Psalm in Spanish.


El Señor es mi Pastor
Nada me faltará
Me hace descansar en verdes pastos
Él me guía a arroyos de tranquilas aguas
Confortará mi alma
Me guiará por sendas de justicia por amor de su nombre
Sí, aunque ande en valle de sombra de muerte,
Yo no temeré mal alguno
Porque tú eres conmigo.
Tu vara y tu cayado me infundirán aliento.
Tú preparas mesa delante de mí en presencia de mis enemigos.
Tú unges mi cabeza con aceite
Mi copa está rebosando
Ciertamente el bien y la misericordia me seguirán todos los días de mi vida
Y habitaré en la casa del Señor por siempre.

Applying myself/Globus

So.  I am trimming down my list.  It looks like UW-Madison might be on the list of schools that I'm actually applying to.  We'll see.  If their department actually says something more than "I don't know," that is.

I say this truthfully: I am quite the globetrotter.  Granted, most of my travels have been to visit family members, immediate or extended or distantly extended that are flung far and wide across the world, or else conferences that my dad has gone to that have taken him across the Atlantic.  But I've been to five continents and ten countries, counting the US.  And I'm not done either.

Nor am I particularly proud of being a US citizen by birth.  I know I should be.  I know every country has its own things to be proud of and be embarrassed about.  And I know that, given the circumstances right now, this citizenship is one of the best ones to have.

But the more I've traveled, the more I've realized that Americans, naturalized or born, become spoiled or think they're entitled.  The rest of the world does not have nice giant supermarkets.  The rest of the world does not always have central heating or cooling in their homes.  The rest of the world can't always buy everything for cheap.  The rest of the world has a much more rigorous education system.  Well, at least in Asia and in a large part of Europe.  I can tell you for a fact that the South American education system is horrible in just about all the disciplines, and I'm willing to bet quite a bit of Africa is the same.

The ones who are born/mostly raised here grow up American, and in general, end up getting less education than their parents wish them to have.  My two cousins are prime examples; neither of them went on to graduate school when they clearly could have.  Those who are not born here will forever encounter some kind of obstacle that doesn't happen to people who are born here.  Then they get angry when it takes them longer to do the same things.  At least, most of the men I've seen do.  And I've always thought I'm kinda manly.  They think they're entitled.  Usually, they are.  But sometimes, they're not, and they don't get it.  And then their kid points that out, and then both parents get mad, and then it's bad.

But yeah.  People outside need to realize that the good ol' US of A is not the kingdom they think it is.  People inside the US need to realize that they'd probably be a lot smarter and more humble if they lived elsewhere for an extended period of time.

And I've decided that I am working at least two schools in Boston into my list.  And I'll go to a school in Boston.  Even if I haven't opened the application yet.  It's decided.