So many things I'd say if only I were able

....but I would get in serious trouble.

So I will just say: Fate chose my relatives.  I choose my friends.  And my life and what I want out of it, and what I do to my body.

Muse

I can't sleep and I have to study.  What else is new.  Not much.

I mean, grad school apps will happen over the break.  They have to.

And I'll be just fine with whatever the result is, though I will take a year if I must. But I think I can get in somewhere.

But I see all these people that did get in good places and will be set or close to it for life, and I know I am like them.  The question is, in what capacity?  Where?

Passion, focus, motivation when the going is tough, and smarts are key to getting anywhere. So is learning to deal with your problems. I knew more people that had all of those qualities in high school than I did in college.  Most of my friends who are pre-med, except for the one who got in already, either are not that smart or not focused, even though they do their work.  They get wrapped up in other stuff and end up not doing anything worthwhile, and yes, there are other worthwhile pursuits besides medicine.  Within my immediate family, we have two people who were very smart but not focused and thus didn't go beyond their bachelor's.  One will be fine (he is an engineer and is getting married this May to a fellow engineer.)  One could have become a lot, but she got burned out in college with triple majoring and lost her desire for further studies (she is now a midwife.) Needless to say, her parents aren't happy with her choices, but there's nothing they can do about it now.  One who is close in age to me isn't very focused or motivated on anything, never has been and probably never will be, so I don't see her doing much unless she suddenly becomes interested in something.

So basically, the pressure is on me.  I have to become something---doctor, researcher, something-- not only to make up for their lack of motivation/failures, but for my own interests too.  If not for myself, for them.

Brief

I've been feeling like I'm losing control over a lot.  I feel like if I don't have control over everything, it's that much harder of a philosophy to live with.

The problem is what do I control?  

Objectivity at 3 in the morning.

It shouldn't really be a surprise to me.  

But okay, I'll admit.  I was surprised.  And that was not the thing to find out less than twenty-four hours before an exam that I was already stressed over.  

Everyone has something, or will get something eventually.  And sometimes it makes sense. Like his stuff, as he was in the at-risk group anyway honestly.  Though it is still a little early.  (And if he's telling the truth, he shouldn't be drinking as much as he did...)

With cases like the three girls I know who cannot biologically bear children, those things are not unheard of.  Unfortunate that had to happen though (though honestly one of them......that was a good thing.)  

With mine, I'm an oddball.  I would love to know why I got it.  So, dear doctors and nurses, please don't ask me why I do.  That's your job to figure it out, kthx.  

But seriously, yes, I know that having a chronic illness sucks.  And it has to be embarrassing and such.  My grandfathers both died before I was born from colon issues (one colon cancer and one had colitis and stomach cancer.)  According to my parents, they were really ornery towards the end.

But he doesn't need to be depressed all the time.  He's still got time.  Time to figure himself out and not feel like he's useless.  

I have to do something in 3 of my 4 subjects tomorrow (it seems all my classes are backloaded this time...), grocery shop and get ready to go to Tallahassee this weekend.  And work out how I'm going to make up my hours before I miss them.  That's just life around here.  

The sound of the life of the mind can get quite interesting indeed.  

Brittany and Tessa and I have awesome people day in the works.  

Oh pretty sirens don't go flat, it's not supposed to happen like that

Still studying.  My life is full of pathogenicity and prokaryotic stuff, with some econ and gross videos about eating disorders thrown in.

Postmenstrual syndrome should be official if it isn't already.  Generally felt lazy and bitchy today.  Laundry still not done.

But Of Montreal was good.  I need to upload the videos I took with my phone.  It sucks being the short one at a concert though.  Always jumping or going off to the side to take pictures or videos.

Busy October, but going to do the underwear run and see H2$ at home, so excited about those.  My two cousins seem levelheaded about their wedding preparations, though I can't say the same for their aai's.

Gotta do an econ quiz and keep on studying.  Then drive back home in the deep of night.  ;sldkfnms.

Sing your favorite songs at the top of your lungs and keep moving.  Stay positive.  :)

Just because I was surprised I didn't have to teach them this in Chile

I did have to teach the Hail Mary and the Our Father, in English, to the children.  I was basically translating the former on the spot, since I had completely forgotten the translation I did of it back in middle school.

But I was very surprised I didn't have to tell them Psalm 23.  Also surprised that, try as I might, I can't find any of the aforementioned in Hindi, though I know for a fact there are Catholics in India.

So, in case anyone was wondering, here is a rough translation of the Psalm in Spanish.


El Señor es mi Pastor
Nada me faltará
Me hace descansar en verdes pastos
Él me guía a arroyos de tranquilas aguas
Confortará mi alma
Me guiará por sendas de justicia por amor de su nombre
Sí, aunque ande en valle de sombra de muerte,
Yo no temeré mal alguno
Porque tú eres conmigo.
Tu vara y tu cayado me infundirán aliento.
Tú preparas mesa delante de mí en presencia de mis enemigos.
Tú unges mi cabeza con aceite
Mi copa está rebosando
Ciertamente el bien y la misericordia me seguirán todos los días de mi vida
Y habitaré en la casa del Señor por siempre.

Applying myself/Globus

So.  I am trimming down my list.  It looks like UW-Madison might be on the list of schools that I'm actually applying to.  We'll see.  If their department actually says something more than "I don't know," that is.

I say this truthfully: I am quite the globetrotter.  Granted, most of my travels have been to visit family members, immediate or extended or distantly extended that are flung far and wide across the world, or else conferences that my dad has gone to that have taken him across the Atlantic.  But I've been to five continents and ten countries, counting the US.  And I'm not done either.

Nor am I particularly proud of being a US citizen by birth.  I know I should be.  I know every country has its own things to be proud of and be embarrassed about.  And I know that, given the circumstances right now, this citizenship is one of the best ones to have.

But the more I've traveled, the more I've realized that Americans, naturalized or born, become spoiled or think they're entitled.  The rest of the world does not have nice giant supermarkets.  The rest of the world does not always have central heating or cooling in their homes.  The rest of the world can't always buy everything for cheap.  The rest of the world has a much more rigorous education system.  Well, at least in Asia and in a large part of Europe.  I can tell you for a fact that the South American education system is horrible in just about all the disciplines, and I'm willing to bet quite a bit of Africa is the same.

The ones who are born/mostly raised here grow up American, and in general, end up getting less education than their parents wish them to have.  My two cousins are prime examples; neither of them went on to graduate school when they clearly could have.  Those who are not born here will forever encounter some kind of obstacle that doesn't happen to people who are born here.  Then they get angry when it takes them longer to do the same things.  At least, most of the men I've seen do.  And I've always thought I'm kinda manly.  They think they're entitled.  Usually, they are.  But sometimes, they're not, and they don't get it.  And then their kid points that out, and then both parents get mad, and then it's bad.

But yeah.  People outside need to realize that the good ol' US of A is not the kingdom they think it is.  People inside the US need to realize that they'd probably be a lot smarter and more humble if they lived elsewhere for an extended period of time.

And I've decided that I am working at least two schools in Boston into my list.  And I'll go to a school in Boston.  Even if I haven't opened the application yet.  It's decided.

Places I saw today.

In Viña: La Quinta Vergara, Plaza del Reloj, Castillo del Mar y Wulf, the beach.

In Valparaiso: one of Pablo Neruda's houses, a very old ascensor, Museo Naval, top view of the city and a LOT of stairs.  Also Plaza Sotomayor (has the museum and monument to copper).

Went by Casablanca valle and Curacaví valley, valleys of wine and agriculture respectively.

Lots.  Of.  Pictures.

Irony.

I still am a little amazed as to why my cousin is a midwife, due to her own birth being a forceps delivery.  Not like I could have a homebirth anyway, because last I checked, no midwife would be able to tell me right away if my kid had my problem.  They simply don't have that sort of training, nor can they give Caesareans in emergencies.
Today I helped with the seven year olds.  One of them wanted me to tell her my phone number.  That was funny.  There was one girl that seriously doesn't understand the concept of chairs.
But overall, fine.

Mi día.

I just realized that the girl who died in Gville in the hit and run was on a freaking bicycle.  What.  A.  Horrible.  Way to die.

I went to the school today, to help teach.  According to the host mom, only the bad schools permit talking while the teacher is talking: her husband and her daughter are both teachers and don´t allow it.  This school, at all the levels of English (and everything else) allow talking when the teacher is talking, or at least, the teacher isn't that effective in getting them to shut up. Last time I checked, there was no country that allowed talking while the teacher was talking. Especially not in Asia, or even in parts of Europe. But some of the older ones speak English quite well.  The younger ones, naturally, have more difficulty.

Granted, this wasn't my original project.  And frankly, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy it as much as I would have enjoyed the original, which was giving medical care to kids at the Don Francisco house.  But since there was something going on this week, and I'd already paid for the trip, there was no point in not going.  At least I can see the center.  And the surrounding areas of Chile.  Valparaiso, Viña del Mar, etc.
***************************
I officially think during my trip to the Viña I will ask for navegado sin naranjas.  Hot mulled wine sounds great.  That and yerba mate.
If it´s warm, I´ll ask for cerveza Cristal.

Because I do need to have some drinks, even if I can´t have pisco.

¡Qué maravilla es Santiago!

I am officially in Santiago.  Because there are teacher conferences all day today, I don´t start volunteering until tomorrow.
Yesterday I came in at 8 am, dropped my stuff, and then toured the city a little bit with the country coordinator.  I saw La Moneda, where the president works, and the old place where people used to work if they were president.  I also saw one of the old cathedrals, the Plaza del Centro, and the Teletón, where I was originally going to work. I also passed by one of the oldest historical museums that I plan on going to after my thing is done.
My host family is very nice, barring one extremely strange older boy that thankfully doesn´t live in the house. I think he wants a chica.  I made it clear that there are certain characteristics that define man, and that boys were the same everywhere.  I didn{t say what they were though.
The two main gripes I have are the food consumption, which I knew in advance my options were limited: nothing that hasn´t been cooked, and nothing like juice or yogurt or other stuff like that....... and the fact that the other volunteers are going next week, not this week, so I´m pretty much on my own.  I´m sticking with breads, dried things, and tea right now.  Which is fine since it´s so cold anyway.  

Wow...

I just accidentally went on Yahoo Answers and found a post from someone who wanted to leave her marriage of 30 years because she "wasn't in love with him anymore," though he didn't do anything bad.

Call me stupid or old-fashioned, but I was always taught that the only times you should divorce someone is if any of the following happen:
*Cheating
*Drug/alcohol problems
*Abuse of any kind (stealing counts as abuse of property)
*Mental illness
*Potentially deadly communicable disease
"I don't love him anymore" is not a good enough reason to leave.  When that happens, you have to live with the decision you made.  There's professional counseling to help you stop feeling like that.  Especially if you have been with that person for the past 30 years.

Boyfriends you can throw out if you're not feeling it.  Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and it's up to both of you to make it work.  No, you're never going to agree on some things.  Yes, you have to give up stuff.  No, you can't get everything you want.  But you signed up for it.

Fair and balanced

I just had to comment on some of the recent presidencies, now that I've read most of Laura's, Hillary's, and at least some of the big parts of Bill Clinton's, memoirs.  (Bill talks a lot.  I couldn't finish.)  

I don't think any president is honest, 100%---otherwise, I don't think they would be president.  They have to lie to get elected.  But at their core---without all the surrounding stuff that happened in either of their presidencies---I don't think either Bill or W are inherently bad people.  I was too young to understand the Clinton presidency until after it happened (I knew he lied under oath but not about what it was), and Lord knows I was not a Bush supporter and didn't think too much of Laura either.

After reading their memoirs (and being a little older now) I understand more.  Bill came from problem circumstances, and I would seriously not be able to write about what he wrote about----his stepdad trying to shoot his mom, his mom constantly going back to said drunk stepdad, etc.  Yes, I know all the stories.  Yes, he has a zipper problem.  But he didn't mean ill.

Hillary is a Scorpio, which automatically means everyone should think carefully before insulting her, at least in her face. (So is Laura.)   I'm not like my mom, who I think has a girl crush on Hillary or something.  But I admire how high she's gone up the ladder, though I'm not sure she's as genuine as she portrays herself to be.  There was a lot of "nobody understands me" in her book, and there's probably a lot she's not willing to say because of her conservative upbringing (raised a Republican, which damages everyone's psyche)  And I'm with her on healthcare.  I experienced it myself, in my sophomore year.  And this past spring, when I presented on Obamacare to HEAL and it felt like nobody got it or cared.  So I got what she was saying.

They're perfect for each other because they both have screwed up psyches.  She was a Republican and he was from a broken home.  Perfect couple.  I can only hope Chelsea did not absorb that damage.  

Dubya is not stupid.  He's just dumb.  Yes, there's a difference.  I do not for one half second think that we had any business in Iraq or Afghanistan.  He should have gone for Saudi Arabia instead.  But he does not outwardly wish ill towards anyone, nor is he a total dumbass.  He's just a little shortsighted, that's all.  

Laura I have to give brownie points to.  She was open and honest about her college grades and bad habits and her discussions with Hillary.  She did tell about the car wreck that killed her friend, which had to be hard to do.  She admitted her daughters were dumb for going out and partying using their grandmother's name on an ID.  (Really, Jenna.  Everyone knows who you are..)

We can work it out

Everyone has their goals.  Everyone has their perspectives.

Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on, brah.

So we can work it out, and not carp.  Or we can say screw it and avoid those people.  It's your choice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diamond Jubilee was interesting to watch.  Considering, of course, that it's an 86-ish year old queen willingly sitting there and letting the likes of Elton John belt out totally contemporary (well, their) songs.

But she did knight him.  And Paul McCartney.  So it's all cool.  

Mission 1: Fix sleep schedule.

Mission 2: besides nail these questions I keep getting wrong, I also need to do a practice essay.

Apparently I need 10 hours of sleep each night.  That means nobody needs to talk to me after 9 pm.

Spring semester I can start pulling the "wake up late" thing again.

Reading

Is very crucial for a passage based test.  And finding out what's wrong with a patient.

I also know once and for all I cannot do geriatrics.  It's bad enough dealing with my dad, who thinks he can now do anything he wants and get away with it since he is old.  At least, people at FSU, and my mom, are standing up to him.  He doesn't like it, but that's his problem.  But I know there are old men who don't act like a curmudgeon all the time too.  They just have Alzheimer's, that's all.  And that's sad.

Even if it's just for the votes he may or may not get in November, I'm glad Obama at least made a statement supporting gays' rights to marry.  I see no reason why I should treat gay people differently from anyone else, though I can definitely see how religious leaders would have a problem with it.

This new format is weird.

This isn't helping my bedtime ritual.  Stupid college lifestyle of staying up late >.<

But I'll go to sleep after writing this.  Promise.

Apparently Washington DC looked so bad when it was founded that one of the earliest senators said, "My God, what have I done to be condemned to live in this city?"  The things you learn from reading Profiles in Courage.  Though arguably, there are definitely parts of that city and suburbs (cough Anacostia cough) that look like that today.

The MCAT is a four letter word.  And will be responsible for my having no life until after I take the test.

What to write..

MCAT practice takes awhile. Like, give up your day awhile. I'll finish the other portion of the verbal in the morning and the practice test on Sunday. Need to do another full practice test this week after catching up on the physics.

Some verbal sections are really hard. Physical sciences I expected that, but the thing is, you can learn it again because you've already seen it once. You practice till you're sick of it for all of them though, just so you can not miss them on the day of.

I may have to finish the class for MCAT in Tallahassee, and make trips to TPR center to see people for my individual problems or something, since I'll be studying from the minute I get home. I'm not having a life till after the exam anyway (more specifically, when I get out of the exam on June 21 at 2 pm.) Whatever. I can ramp up the clinical hours when I return from Vegas and before I go to Chile, assuming I go (still need to schedule that Spanish test). And of course, I have to do it senior year anyhow since I'm minding the gap.

On top of all of this, I still need to pull an A in viro somehow (biochem is looking like B unless everyone fails the last exam and I somehow decide to study 14 days ahead instead of 7.) And generally finish out the semester. Write MEL papers, and all of that.

I also need to figure out GRE, since I've already told myself I'm taking that exam as well (have to have a safety net.) When exactly, I don't know. I know for that one I'm doing preparation in Tallahassee, though. And buy the books for fall and spend the week before school reading them a little. Well, one I already have. So.

I really am boring.

Except for the part where Rebe is making recipes for desserts and cocktails. Hmm. Those could be a welcome treat.

IUPAC-IUB

I get to catch up on biochem, because for the past week I was studying.....biochem. Not like IUB does anything for actually learning anything about membranes.
I went home this weekend. I shouldn't have. Dad blew up at me because I told him to please leave the doorway so I could walk through it. Yes, really. According to him, I'm just an arrogant, useless college student like everyone else he deals with, and that I should still listen to everything he says because he is never wrong, and that I've had my second strike; apparently my first was before I turned six years old. Hmm. I wonder why his grad students never talk to him anymore. Too bad if you mention that to him, he nearly throws you out of the house. And apparently, you're supposed to remember everything wrong the other person ever did. Whatever happened to the whole "forgive of past sins" thing?

I realize I should be grateful that I have parents who let me even visit home. But when going home turns into the man of the house blowing up at both me and my mother for no reason, why even bother?

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. I make every effort to fall in the latter category, though I will admit forgiveness is not easy.
I forgive people who blow up. But I can't forget. I have to stand up for myself in some way.

Clathrin coated pits won't accept that much LDL

.......and dish racks will not accept dirty dishes.

It seems that one is always destined to live with the people that are exactly opposite from you. For the past three years now, I've had to deal with at least one person who, for whatever reason, does not wash their dishes by day's end.

My cousin told me her stories of dealing with those kinds of people. Basically, nothing she did worked. So she ended up moving out.

This is totally coming from an only child who never had chores, never got yelled at to do dishes since Mom always did them for everyone. Yet, when I moved out, I did my kitchen stuff with no complaint. The dishes are washed and either in the rack or put away by the time I go to bed. The only time that didn't happen was when I was seriously ill last year, and sleeping all the time.

I just fail to understand why washing dishes after you use them is not second nature. And leaving dirty dishes out is not only nasty, it's just plain rude. You're taking up space for everyone else, and I can easily knock things over when I reach over those damn things to get to my own bowls and cups.

But, apparently, if you tell people that, they'll go right on doing it anyway.

Sigh.

Funny how things are

I always think it's funny how people think of actually killing the animal used for meat as gross, yet they don't mind eating said meat. I notice it more with the meats I don't eat (beef and pork) rather than the ones I do (fowl and fish). I have no problem seeing videos of any of the above animals being killed for food, polpescetarian animals or not. I obviously don't like the slaughter, but I can see that and still eat some animals. Well, not ones that give you either trichinosis or mad cow. I had no problem with pig dissections, yet people who ate the pig had so much problem with it. Funny. Hypocritical, actually. You eat the thing and you don't want to think about how it got on your plate......

Though quite honestly, I should probably cut out the fowl and eat the fish as that is better for you. That is not vegetarian by my definition. Vegetarian is not eating animals.

Regardless, I am done eating meat for the week. Huge frickin' serving at the cheesecake factory. Bhaji, rice and dal never looked so good.